June 3rd, 2004

(no subject)

The last year or so has taught me a lot about relationships. Earlier this week I learned about something new: I'll call it a Schroedinger's breakup. Susan will get back to me at some point on what amounts to letting me know whether she broke up with me a few weeks ago.

Monday, we discovered that Susan had felt a need to choose between Chuck and I, and apparently without knowing she was doing so, Susan chose Chuck. It's not clear to me (or I think Susan) what this choice actually means. I asked Susan to explore this and try and figure out what was going on.

Clearly we have a lot to work through; and I could discuss some of that here. But actually, I'm sort of surprised by my own reactions to the situation. it seems clear to me that anger would be a fairly typical reaction to something like this. I realize Susan and I are in a poly relationship, but choosing one partner over their best friend without warning seems like something a reasonable person could feel angry/betrayed by even in a poly relationship. But I don't feel angry.

I think a lot of the reason I don't feel angry is that I understand Susan enough to believe I'm not being used or toyed with. This situation came about because feelings change quickly and you don't always know what your feelings are. It wasn't something either Susan or Chuck was trying to do. I also believe that if Susan and I end up not dating, it will be because she believes that the right direction for her growth doesn't include our relationship. I suspect I'll even understand why Susan thinks this is true. Since I understand why things happened it is relatively easy not to have negative reactions directed at others. I still expect that no matter how things turn out it will hurt, but some degree of pain is the price inherent in caring about people.