Sam Hartman (hartmans) wrote,
Sam Hartman

What I'm doing here

It seems lately that the only time I have to write is at night when I'm failing to sleep. The tension is annoying: I want to write but I'm heavily addicted to sleep. However these nights seem to be times when I'm most creative, contemplative and have the most to say. There is of course the danger that on later reflection, it will all turn out to be drivel. Mike Rolish got me thinking about why I am writing here and what I'm trying to accomplish. A part of me wants to avoid focusing on my life. I'd like to write about interesting technical discoveries, ways of thinking about problems (both technical, spiritual and practical) and generally have something worth reading. However that's not what I have time to do right now mainly because it's not really what is most important to me at this point. Most of my energy spent on self development is going towards a deeply personal quest to better understand and define my place in the universe. Of course it is cyclic: I've done this before, I'll focus on other things in the future, but I'll eventually be back to the next round of the same problems. And while this quest is personal, I realize it is not unique: everyone goes through their own personal version of the same problems. Sharing something with everyone does not decrease its importance although perhaps it does make it less likely that I'll find something useful to say.

Currently, there are two big things I'm focusing on. The first is how I choose to experience the world: what my outlook is, how I model my interactions with the world, what types of experience I value, and what I believe about the world around me. I'd describe this as motivated practically and spiritually although probably not religiously. The second is of course relationships: what am I looking for; what do I have to offer; and how do I balance change, trust, the needs of others, commitment and family. So at some level I'm going to be doing exactly what Mike is trying not to do even though I completely understand and agree with his desires. The problem is that right now, I cannot (and probably do not want to) separate the personal from the abstract. The experiences are intertwined with the lessons and untangling the result would require having finished the journey. Perhaps some day I will look back and be able to say something more general that still motivates itself.

There is very little I will not say to any individual who is likely to read this. However there is a fair bit I don't wan to say to Google (and yet I still want the journal indexed). So, I'm making use of friends locked posts as a vehicle to avoid indexes. I'm not currently filtering anything though. I realize some people on my friends list are more conservative than I am. If I'm saying things that you would rather I filter or put behind cuts, let me know. I'd prefer cuts to filters but could set up either.

Tags: introspection

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